After an extended break from the blogosphere, I have returned to continue this online journal of life after politics. Since I last blogged - on my birthday, as a matter of fact - life, as we say on the campaign trail, has had its exhilarating highs and its soul-crushing lows. The universe continues to throw its interesting tests at me and needless to say, I've been failing more times than I've actually succeeded, dear reader.
I must first mention the loss of our beloved, Andy Griffith, the small town sheriff who showed us what compassion in the execution of the law really was, and of course, the man who gave shut-ins and alcoholics the thrilling excitement of slow-paced courtroom drama, before it was sexy Also answering death's eerie call was another one of the brother's Gibb, Robin Gibb of the Bee Gees.
Of course, the loss of our beloved talent isn't quite the reason I was compelled to write, this evening. After officially completing my first year back in the hallowed halls of higher learning, I find that fitting-in continues to pose a great challenge for me; along with heartbreak, but I'll get back to that. As I go about my day, I feel that I'm increasingly feeling the age gap - recent, heartbreaking reminders of my age haven't helped much - I've found myself in this odd limbo-like reality that's truly worthy of Dante's pen - the deeper I venture, the more macabre it gets. It makes sense that as a single man, completely committing my time to completing two bachelor's degrees, would make an effort to not only assimilate, but attempt to make social connections with women.
Not so fast, says the universe.
Over the past year, I have indeed attempted to make a few connections - a few of which actually seemed quite promising, but I've discovered that chasing-down love is like chasing a mirage, for me anyway. I've always had a personal policy of avoiding opening myself up to people, especially women - I did once and it ended in a very bad, very public way, but that's another blog for another day. Of course we're all human and even the most stringent of personal policies can fall by the wayside when we're compelled by the right woman.
I recently had such an occurrence in which I dropped all of my barriers, and for the first time in a long time, allowed my personality and my heart to take over. For a time, it was quite magnificent; the constant thoughts and excitement of seeing her again as the morning alarm rang; the anticipation of waiting for her to walk into the building; the sleepless nights that seemed to last forever, as if the clock was taunting me - or perhaps it knew something that I didn't; the pounding in my chest and shaking in my limbs while we sat next to each other; I would work to steal a glance, now and then. Just as the bond began to feel strong and I began to feel comfortable about this unique woman that fortune had led me to, it all collapsed like a house of cards.
So, we all know how this love story ends, yes? Well in short, the guy doesn't get the girl. My stomach that was once filled with butterflies and excitement has been converted into an abandoned construction site with nothing but rusted nails and cheap boards; my heart - condemned.
The wonderful and always insightful, Raymond Carver so accurately described falling in love as akin to being tortured by a war lord. "You're falling in love...to be stretched over the rack...to have unspeakable things committed against your person...you want to tell her everything."
In the big picture of life, I suppose I should appreciate the fact that, for one brief moment, I was able to open myself up enough to actually feel something for someone, on a deep level. I think we all want to feel wanted, loved and appreciated by someone who we feel the same for, but the effort in getting there is quite exhausting. For right now, I feel like all of my feelings are on display at a yard sale, half-off on the slightly damaged rack, in the back - prices are negotiable.
It's been an interesting few days and as the saying goes, 'write what you know,' so that's what I've done. Thank you for your indulgence, fellow reader.
Choice Cocktail
Classic Manhattan
One part vemouth.
Five parts rye whiskey.
Stir well in a glass filled with ice.
Strain into a chilled martini glass.
Enjoy.
Repeat.
This classic libation must go with ol' blue eyes, Frank Sinatra, because like the man said, "I'm feelin' so bad...play the music, easy and sad."
You have more in common with the women in our family than you think - why do we pick poorly? Because, we believe ourselves to be "half-off on the slightly damaged rack, in the back - prices are negotiable." NEVER, I say never!! I recently had an experience that proved that not true - that was my epiphany - I am always worthwile, a treasure, as you are. I knew in my head my worth as a person, but not always truly in my heart. I dip into this reality periodically, but sure wish I could maintain my vigilance and not dip into those low, fire-sale times. One must always value one's worth and realize that it is the "other's" loss. We cannot recognize joy if we do not understand misery, and the only way for joy to reach us is if we are open to it, and that means that sometimes other things sneak in. When they do it hurts, but be thankful that you are still open, not to the sneaky negative, but to joy...
ReplyDeleteGo placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your career, however humble, it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings; many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with god, whatever you conceive him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.
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